I’ve heard a very familiar saying a number of times in the last few days and it’s got me wondering where on earth it came from; “that’s the best thing since sliced bread”. Who on earth dreamt up such a ludicrous phrase? Certainly not the bread knife manufacturers. They must have been spitting bullets when some numbskull invented the machine that will render a harmless loaf totally and perfectly divided in less time than it takes to say “marmalade or jam”. It wouldn’t have been the good old fashioned proper baker, who knows that keeping the crust on a loaf for as long as possible will keep it in better shape. It would’ve been somebody in that time in the middle of the last century when convenience foods were becoming all the rage. In those tiresome days it was quite hard to find a local baker as the mass-produced, cellophane wrapped, preservative stuffed, hideous white loaf took over the known world. Ok there was a massed produced brown version that purported to have some greater health benefits but that was, of course, complete baloney.
My father used to insist on at least three slices of white toast for breakfast, I think mainly to wind up my mother, who was fearful that if some fell on the floor it might poison the dog. There wasn’t much choice then, but nowadays we can slip down to the delightful local deli, where there’s an amazing choice of artisan sourdoughs that have the taste buds salivating at the mere sight. What greater pleasure can there be than carefully lining up the new loaf, making the first incision with that very expensive Toledo steel breadknife and smoothly cutting a straight line to produce the perfect third of an inch slice, of symmetrical, soft, crusty deliciousness. It’s possible I might sound a bit anal about this, but what is so difficult about cutting a straight slice? I have yet to meet the woman who can achieve this simple task. My wife produces lop-sided doorsteps that would offend the most John Wayniest of cowboy builders. I then have to waste a perfectly good slice squaring up the persecuted loaf. Worse, she is unabashed and unashamed; unaware even of her heinous crime. Before the politically correct brigade inundate me with protestations of vile loathing could I just point out that ma langue est firmly dans ma joue as I take a few moments off from doing the ironing, finishing the housework and polishing the silver. When I say “what greater pleasure”, I was exaggerating for effect. Like you, I can think of numerous more pleasurable experiences…. washing up, doing the laundry, ironing, cleaning the car, having sex….the list is endless. But there’s no question, that first incision is an eagerly awaited highlight.
So, what of other sayings? “It’s raining cats and dogs”. Taken literally it’s impossible to fathom. Can you even visualise a sky full of poodles, collies, whippets and Persian pussies crashing earthwards in chaotic profusion? Could it come from Cockney rhyming slang, meaning logs perhaps? Or clogs….it’s always wet in Holland. A quick reference to Google has thrown all sorts of spanners in the works. Now there’s another one. Not hard to detect it’s meaning but what lowlife toerag would actually put a spanner in a working engine with evil intent? I love the word toerag. (spell check wants it to be two words, irritatingly). It has an almost onomatopoeic venom that you can spit out in all but Royal circles. It sounds as though it ought to be a swear word, but Google confirms that it is informal English meaning “a contemptible or worthless person”. It was used a lot in the military but I never seem to hear it now. Perhaps there are no more contemptible people worthy of the description?…..
Returning to my opening salvo, whether your bread is stuffed full of preservatives or lovingly created by the gnarly fists of your local dough-basher, there is one item no household should be without; the much maligned supermarket plastic bag. Whilst it might be totally anti-social and superfluous in our modern society (isn’t everybody’s society modern?) a loaf of any description lovingly wrapped and made reasonably airtight will last three times as long as one left alone in the bread bin.
It is currently raining cats and dogs and some toerag has put a serious spanner in the works for my bread making plans. On that note…..good night.
ADayInTheStrifeOf 