Having pondered the vagaries of language recently, I thought I might pursue that today. Particularly how to improve the odd ugly word. The ugliest I can think of (without delving the depths of smuttiness) is ‘urinal’. I guess it’s ugly on two counts; both the sound of the word and the image that it conjures up. Whilst a row of men standing facing a wall in various stages of relief/pain/ecstasy, as they discharge that which is surplus to requirements into an unattractive porcelain bowl can occasionally be humorous, for the most part it’s not an appealing image. So what can we do about the sound. Quite an amusing sign for the room where this all happens could be 4men (a male symbol, but I don’t have one)2P. The receptacle could therefore be a ‘formentopee’, pronounced ‘fa-menta-p’. “I’m just going to the fa-menta-p”. Trying saying it a few times and it sounds ok. I think? But if you don’t like that, maybe an old word that has a nice ring and has fallen into dis-use could be re-deployed. ‘Coracle’ struck me as such a word. My somewhat perverse memory always recalls an old Flanders and Swan song from the 1950’s that celebrates the ‘genuine Northumbrian spokeshaver’s coracle’. I thought I would just check that one on the inevitable Google and whilst, of course, no such thing exists, it does bring up Northumbria University Nursery which is apparently one of a growing number of child-minding establishments that use a ‘Dream Coracle’. It’s a small wooden bed that looks more like a bathtub, that toddlers can climb into and commune with whoever it is that toddlers commune, with clamped eyelids. That would appear to rule out ‘coracle’ as a replacement for urinal.
How about an olde Englishe word? Mugwump has a convivial ring to it. It’s a derogatory word for somebody in charge who affects to be above petty squabbles and factions. The sort of person you might feel like discharging your emotions on. “I’m just off to the mugwump”. Works for me. Another from ye olde dictionary is ‘quagswag’, meaning to shake something backwards and forwards. That would seem to be quite appropriate. “Just off to the quagswag”? I like it. Whilst performing in the quagswag, be sure to look out for the snollygoster; he’s the intelligent one with no principles, a dangerous individual. No need to worry about the trumpery though; THINGS that look good but are basically worthless. Feels as though that one could be adapted for modern usage, to include people.
From the same source, there’s a very useful word that has long since escaped the attention of English departments up and down the country. Uhtceare means lying awake before dawn and worrying. It’s a word I have need of on a regular basis. My only concern is how the hell do you pronounce it?
Having learnt to pronounce it, could somebody please tell me how to delete it from my required vocabulary? I’m fed up with waking at 4am, composing brilliant literary pieces in my head, only to wake again at 8 with zero recall of my Booker award winning script.
I’ve just read two stories in The Times. Apparently cooking a roast is as dangerously polluting to the body as cycling through Westminster, whilst vinyl flooring emits seriously nasty chemicals that give various cancers a big helping hand. Having just cooked the family roast in our lino covered kitchen, it’s possible this may be my last missive. Oh god, more uhtceare.
ADayInTheStrifeOf 