If you ever have the urge, mentally and fiscally, to visit the Kruger National Park, there are not many better places to stay than Buhala Lodge, alongside the Crocodile River. Whilst breakfasting on the verandah there this morning, we watched a herd of about fifteen elephants plodding along the far bank four hundred metres away. The matriarch was shepherding her clan which consisted of a couple of teenagers and two tiny babies that were still in nappies. They were rolling around in the mud, trying to flatten each other, like any other young pups, while the veterans sucked up huge volumes of water to drink and to spray themselves with a cooling shower under the intense African sun. Earlier, I had enjoyed an outdoor shower within a couple of metres of the Park’s electric boundary fence soaking up the incredible views and a huge dollop of Vitamin D.
We first stayed at Buhala in 2007 when the charming hostess Sugar Rhodes and her ailing husband were still running it. A youthful Sugar had once been Miss Rhodesia and still retained a chic elegance into her seventies. The Lodge, however, looked rather more tired, but that has all changed since Sugar’s son Colin and his wife have taken over the reins. They have dug deep into their pockets to upgrade and enhance the place. It is now a really beautiful thatched, colonial style mansion with a wonderfully loyal staff, many of whom have been there for decades. Prices are more Savoy than Premier Inn, but if you have the wherewithal it is a truly magical experience. The peaceful ambience is somewhat shattered this week by the presence of Dale Hayes, a larger than life character who is to golf commentary what Frank Sinatra was to doting widows. He’s reminiscent of a bull elephant in must most of the time, unafraid to bulldoze anything in his path, but for some reason he is hugely popular amongst friends and fans alike. You can take comfort in the knowledge that as long as you avoid this one week of the year, the Lodge will not be afflicted by his presence. I got very excited this morning as I thought I had spotted an extremely rare albino hippo wallowing in the shallows, but in turned out to be Dale floating on his back. Dale’s partner in golfing crime, Denis Hutchinson, always says that Dale’s first thought in the morning is; “who can I screw up today?!”. He also says he wishes he had strangled him in the carry cot, but as they didn’t make Moses cradles big enough that wouldn’t have happened.
Others on the commentary team this week include Tony Johnstone who needs at least five donkeys before there will be one left with its hind legs on. He does though have the extensive wildlife knowledge to be able to recognise it is a donkey. Amongst the many gems that he produced in commentary today was the insight that crocodiles get through 3,000 teeth in a lifetime and giraffes have the same number of vertebrae as humans. (Although presumably rather larger!) Then there is Dougie Donnelly, who is to golf commentary what his friend Alex Ferguson was to Manchester United and not forgetting John Morgan who cannot stop talking about the thrill of mixing it with the beasts in the Kruger. I always thought his home city of Bristol had just as many, but obviously I am wrong. Former Sunshine Tour player Alan Michell makes up the team, who all enjoy throwing poisoned darts at each other, but we really are just good friends!
Hopefully we got through today without offending too many people, although nowadays it’s quite hard to open your mouth without somebody taking offence, especially in sensitive America. The sun is setting over Buhala as I write and all is well with the world.
P.S. If any of this has offended you, please contact my agent, Alison Hayes, at Zwartkop Golf Estate, who will be delighted to field your complaints.
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